Am I Willing To Change?

My husband and I are fans of YouTube documentarians Gone With The Wynn's. Last night, we watched their most recent video about catching lobsters for dinner. I'll link the video below for reference.

After watching the video, I told my husband how I wanted to live our lives the same way. Casually, he tells me: "We'll have to give up a lot in order to have that life."

Wow... I haven't gotten it off my mind since. We've always talked about living in an RV, but we've never acknowledged how much we would give up in the process. But when it comes to our current situation, would it really mean giving up a lot of norms?

The American dream for my generation is to go to college, score the big job, buy the best house, get married, and have kids. All of my peers have grown up to do the same thing. And it's what I've dreamed of my entire life.

How come we have yet to settle down and do all of these things?

For one, I haven't found that one job I loved. I've been in and out of every industry imaginable. The only ones I enjoyed were usually the part-time jobs or the ones which paid very little. My absolute favorite was working at an event arena doing housekeeping and conversions. It was back-breaking work, but I looked forward to work every day. I didn't even mind the late night hours. Of course, it was inconsistent work and only paid $10/hour. It's hard to pay off your student loans and keep your rent paid in full with that type pf income.

Second of all, my husband and I have always been restless. We've dreamed of living all over the place: the east coast, Florida, Alaskan Bush, and even over in Europe. There is so much to see and experience, and we don't want to miss out on it. Simply vacationing in these places doesn't offer the same experiences compared to actually living there.

Third of all, and probably the most obvious, we can't possibly have a house or settle down if we want to basically live everywhere.

I've always had a desire in the back of my mind to live in a renovated school bus or RV. Having our home on wheels means we can travel with ease to wherever we want and have those experiences we desire. It's why we've pushed for minimalism and downsized much of our possessions. It's why we're paying off our debt so our money can go towards these dreams.

After putting all of these thoughts and events together, I realized how willing I am to commit to this lifestyle, and how I'm on my way to changing a lot of things so we can have this life.

Becoming Fearless - The First Few Steps

Ever since I started taking my anxiety disorder seriously, I set goals to overcome it. In the end, I decided my objective is to become fearless. Becoming fearless simply means that I am finally letting go of control. I need to let go of my desire to control every piece of my life.

I've had anxiety my entire life, but haven't taken it seriously until five years ago. For the last five years, I have been battling to let go of this control I feel I need to have on every single detail of my life.

Why Must I Have Control?
It's a bigger problem at work. I'm working in a call center, and before that I was a substitute teacher. Each day is a mystery. Is everything going to go according to my plan? Will I have to deal with little assholes?

These questions are applicable to both jobs, just FYI.

I need details. What do I need to do to have the best day ever? That's a bit much right? I totally agree! I'm so scared of negative outcomes that I feel I must do everything in my power to prevent them.

In the end, though, I know these do nothing. I know there are things out of my control. But for whatever reason, I still tried to keep it all within my control.

How Do You Learn To Let Go?
It's a learning process, that's for sure. Here are a few things I've started to do to anticipate any sort of daily outcome.

Anxiety journal

I write down what bothers me when I can. It usually gets it off my chest and I can move on. I usually write in shorthand so I can get it out faster.

Note of encouragement to myself

"You've got this today. You know what you're doing. This is just a job. You are still a talented creator." I'll usually read this whenever I start to feel overwhelmed.

Practice mindfulness before each shift

Click here to learn more about this practice.

Drink more water/Take deeper breaths

It's a silly, cutesy self-care tip that actually works wonders. Stay hydrated, and don't forget to breathe. I realized I was always struggling to catch my breath when I start to feel a growing panic attack.